Toxic People

Toxic usually means something that can severely sicken you or kill you. Toxic people usually have no clue that they have a problem – YOU have the problem, other people are the issue, surely not them. They tend to be heavily "defended" and have little to no insight into their own issues. When they do get an idea about their own weaknesses, they quickly cover them up, gloss them over, or run from them.

Yesterday I had another glass object break and it reminded me of toxic people and situations. I chose the glass because it was quite heavy; substantial I thought. It did not seem fragile, despite being made of glass. The tumbler was a lovely dark cobalt blue and the bottom was weighted. I am not sure if the outside of the glass became slick and wet from "sweating", as it was hot here, or if my hands were damp, or both. I went to move it and it slipped, with a large shard cutting my finger. Pieces of glass had flown everywhere. My husband bandaged my hand and helped clean up the remains of the once-beautiful glass.

Toxic people are often deceptively competent on the surface. They certainly will not admit to their own defects, so others will assume that this must be someone who really knows what they are doing. The toxic person uses a lot of double talk so that the listener may stop and say, "I can't believe she just said that!" The sly comments and insults are built into the conversation to have whatever effect the toxic person wants – to embarrass, to show their own knowledge, etc.

The toxic person may have rages which seem out of the blue but to them there is something quite specific that you have attacked, in some way. Like the glass slipping and the resulting cut I had, you might never see the explosion coming but if you really understood the inner world of the person, you might have been able to anticipate it. Living with them is often like walking on glass (vs. the bipolar person whose swings are uncontrolled - it is like walking on eggshells).

If you have no choice but to live with a toxic person (or more than one, heaven forbid!) you now live in a toxic environment. Unfortunately, it would normally be the weakest persons who would be stuck in such a place. Sickness/death of various aspects of self will ensue, short of a miracle from God.

 

Next post: Fragile + Toxic = Disaster

 

Fragile

The next thing we think of is – handle with care. But do we? I had wanted to post about fragile mental health this week and I got a reminder. This morning I broke a lovely unusual vase that my daughter bought for me at an art show. It wasn't on purpose, but it still shattered into a million pieces on the hardwood floor. Often that is what happens with our treatment of loved ones who have what is clinically described as having "fragile mental health", which can include a number of conditions that are severe and barely under control.

Examples include:

Severe depression that has only recently responded to medications and therapies and which requires both ongoing treatment and a very supportive home/work situation (if the person is able to work).

Bipolar disorder (same as depression) but with the additional caveat of controlling the triggers for manic episodes.

Schizophrenia or other psychotic conditions, while more controllable with the newer medications, can have break-through episodes or be more intractable or not as responsive to even the most effective drugs.

    Persons with Autism spectrum disorder can be considered more fragile if they have rages or tantrums or if their ASD behaviors, e.g., self-stimulating noises, hand flapping, etc., have increased and cannot be managed with behavioral intervention and certain medications that can be helpful.

Drugs and therapy alone are not sufficient to maintain balance for a person with fragile mental health. The people in their lives need to be mindful of their condition and to do what they can to support the person. That also means taking care of their own needs so that they can handle the additional stresses the loved one brings to the relationship.

I wasn't careful this morning and the consequence was the loss of a beautiful gift. Aren't our family members and friends with special issues a gift, too? They challenge us to be the best people we can be, with God's help.

 

Next post: Toxic people, toxic environments

One Little Bookcase!

Our local Christian Fiction writers group met at the Barnes and Noble in Chesapeake VA this Saturday. While there I checked out the titles. In this huge bookstore they had only one TINY narrow bookshelf of Christian fiction! ONE!!! I could not believe only one little bookcase of Christian fiction, most of it Amish. A local published writer, Christy Barritt, from Chesapeake, was there with us. They were able to get two copies of Kit Wilkinson's newest book and Laura Frantz's, but not Christy's (which is in my CBD basket right now). The unbelievable thing is that Regent University is just up the road from this place, one of the biggest Christian universities in the region. Only about two dozen authors were represented, total. This just reaffirms why I normally stick with CBD. Their catalogs come and they do such a great job of describing the books and also have author interviews online.

Pediatric Bipolar Disorder – DSM Revision Omits

The revision of the DSM-IV does not, again, include a diagnostic category for Pediatric Bipolar Disorder. Instead, it has been proposed that a Temper Dysregulation Disorder with Dysphoria (TDD) be added, which will bring a number of young people out from the Bipolar Disorder umbrella. TDD is being mocked in the media by people who believe that children throwing temper tantrums will now have their own DSM diagnosis! (I am sure that is not the intention of those who offered this diagnostic category – what I take exception with is that there are still no pediatric BPD guidelines). This means that for likely another decade, until the next revision of the DSM, psychiatrists and psychologists working with, and diagnosing, children and adolescents with bipolar disorder will be left with no adequate guidelines. Current guidelines are for adult onset Bipolar Disorder and do not meet the specific characteristics seen with children and teens. Many practitioners end up using the diagnostic category of Mood Disorder.

For a radio interview that highlights what is happening with the DSM revisions and pediatric BPD: http://www.whyy.org/91FM/voices.html Scroll down to the MP3 download for the DSM revision.

 

Dr. and Mrs. Demetri Papolos are the premier couple addressing pediatric Bipolar Disorder. Their book, The Bipolar Child, clearly outlines the types of behaviors and emotions manifested by children who are on their way to a diagnosis of BPD. The Papolos' website is: www.bipolarchild.com

 

 

 

 

Why Do You?

If you have ever been seriously ill or spent any kind of prolonged time in bed, you surely spent some time thinking about what you would do once you got well. Those things that are focused on probably ought to be what you do once you are on your feet (after being filtered through our God-ordained activities). I bet you weren't thinking about going to a committee meeting, volunteering for more activities, baking up a boatload of unneeded calories, or running all over creation shopping! Maybe being flat on your back even helped you, once well, to answer a resounding "No, thanks!", when asked if you would like to do something that God has not called you to do. If you're like me, you can easily create your own distractions from the goals God has given you to complete. The advantage to having had repeat episodes in the bed this past winter is that it is much easier to ask myself, "Why do you…" want to do that thing, start that project, do stuff that conflicts with what you know you need to do. How about you today? Why do you?

 

Dear God, May we all submit our goals and our wills to Yours. May we put You first and set up our lives so that we can minister to our spouse and our children today and to all those you have ordained for us to help. Bless our prayer life and make us fruitful for You. Amen.

What Has God Called You To Do Today?

Are you so busy you forgot the first thing?

Filtering

God gets the first fruits and that means our time. When we spend time in study and prayer, the rest of the day seems to go on track. In most areas of the country we can switch on a preaching show to listen to or we can go online, e.g., www.joycemeyer.org, and listen to podcasts. In this day and age we can also download a bible to MP3, or purchase dramatized CDs or cassette, to listen to while making breakfast or driving to work or school.

The Word tells us that our spouses are to receive plenty of our time and attention (and that does not mean plenty of criticism or arguing!). After God, they get the fruits of our labors and our attention. That means we need to save some energy for them during the time that they are away from us. That relationship has to be nurtured and respected. If we are running all over creation doing stuff God may have never called us to do then there will be little left for our husbands and wives.

My prayer for today:

God help me to put you first in my life today and every day. Let me not neglect your Word and time spent with you in prayer and in listening. Make me the spouse you intended me to be and to walk the path you put before me in peace and joy. Amen.

    

 

Itty Bitty Seats

Jets are fine, but the smaller flights going into and out of Norfolk can't even accommodate a standard size, or some even smaller, carry on pieces of luggage in the overhead bins. Consequently, the airline attendants pull them and they have to go in with the luggage underneath, hence no access to them if you need anything from the carryon. Furthermore, the single seats on one side have two arm rests on either side of the narrow seats that do not accommodate today's larger Americans and certainly not very comfy for my 6'3" football player-sized husband. Even my little eight-year-old could not comfortably lie down across the double seats when the arm rest was lifted. We had an evening flight that did not get in until around midnight. Bless his heart, Clark wiggled around, but could not accommodate his 4'7" frame on the two seats at least not for very long. And just try to walk down the aisle to the bathroom without bumping into about half of the people who are sitting on the aisle!

My colonial characters would certainly be astonished to be able to even fly across the country in one day and I am certain they would not be whining like me. That is one of the great things about writing historical fiction – it really readjusts my lack of gratitude when I ponder their situation vs. ours!

Today, thanking God for even itty bitty seats on planes that can take us through the air in relative comfort. What will our great-great-grandchildren travel in?